What's New With Yew?

 Well, here we are after another year.

I am now ready to re-join the human (glamping) race, but first wanted to explain my absence. My blog (didn't know I had one, did you?) seems to be the best place to do so, instead of taking up space on the pages. Once my fingers hit keys, I begin to get lengthy. Those who love me will slog through, and those who don't care won't bother.

So here we go. Most of my buddies know that I battle depression, among a host of other psychiatric doo-dads. With the help of a great psychiatrist, the best therapist in the world, George's help and my sun lamp, I usually make it through winter and start perking up around February. I used to travel to my mom's condo in Florida in February, but that's a whole 'nother story.

I also take a bundle of meds. I know there are a lot of people who think that mental problems can be taken care of in other ways. I take advantage of those other ways, and still need the medications to even me out. For years, I fought taking them.  I have been through every single therapeutic intervention there is. I am the most insightful depressive you have ever seen. And to boot, I majored in Psychology, so can use the proper terms to describe what is happening. And STILL, inside, felt like poo.

One of my sisters had been on the early medications, and they scared me. But finally, the pain of living became too great and I had to try them. I didn't know what it felt like to not have a knot of pain in your stomach all the time. To really laugh. To thoroughly enjoy life. It was a revelation. Living wasn't a chore. It was a gift! But I didn't find that out until I was 35 years old.

The years before were tough. I always felt like I was battling. Fighting my weight. Trying to ignore the feeling that I was an "outsider".  Looking for love in all the wrong places. Working so hard for the approval of others.

But now I was a human. A very happy human. Probably happier than most, because I knew what it was like not to have that. And so very grateful that peace had come to me at last. I had every expectation that life would be just like that until I finally went on to The Next Chapter.

God likes to ruffle things up in the life of some of us. My mom used to say that He only gives challenges to those He loves much. Well, He must love me a whole bunch. My husband of 20 years decided that he hadn't dated enough before we got married, and wanted a divorce. I loved that man with all my soul. He could (and, the last time we talked, years ago, still could) make me laugh harder than anyone I know. The wonderfully happy life that I had finally achieved was gone *poof* in an instant.

That's how I started the New Century. And it slid downhill from there.

I won't go into particulars. It would take far too long. But anything that could happen to a person happened to me during that time. Except losing my son. Thankfully, during that time he grew into a man any parent would be proud of. And I love him immensely.

Met George, (whom I also love immensely) got married, and watched my problems double. There were some things going on in his life that he had sort of forgotten to tell me about before we got hitched.

Both my grandma and mom passed to the next world. Mom's was particularly dear. She and I had a turbulent relationship. Starting when I was quite young (15), if Dad wasn't around (drinking, or after they divorced), I was the one who had to do the dirty work for her. Tell people she wouldn't be doing something she had committed to do, find out where Dad was, etc. I felt like the family Bad Man - I got to do all the Shit Work. Before she died, I told her I never felt like she loved me, and all she said was, "Oh, Babe," and held out her arms. I got all the love I had never gotten before, and cried like an infant. It was all cleansed before she went.

This summer I was cleaning out our garage, and found that she had saved every single one of the shower cards and baby cards people had sent her when I was born. And a totally filled out baby book. I sat out there and cried again.

Getting back to the present.......I didn't come out of my funk last winter. Tried and tried, and nothing helped. Held my breath until camping season, and found out that Lady Rose, who I had spent so much money on, was riddled with problems that I was going to have to pay more money to fix. Then I held my breath until camping trips with my peeps started, and it felt like every trip had problems of their own.....switched to a different campsite, felt like there were cliques that had formed and I wasn't in, didn't feel wanted, problems with Rose. The list goes on and on.

So she went into storage early, and I decided to take a break from Facebook. It did me good.
Gave me time to think.

I like to drive around to think, and found a lot of really neat houses near me. I fell madly in love with this one: https://www.redfin.com/MN/Saint-Paul/452-Thomas-Ave-55103/home/50152238

It was already sold, but the Realtor was nice enough to give me a tour through it, and it got me thinking. We are stuck in our lease until the end of July, but I knew my Credit Report needed cleaning up. OH BOY did it need cleaning. They still had student loans ($16,000 worth, that I paid off five years ago) sitting on the Report. Since October, I've been working to get the Reports cleaned up. And they still aren't. But the good news is that I'm considered a first-time home buyer, and can qualify for additional funds as the sections I'm looking in are considered "depressed". 

Some day I am going to write an article about the Credit Reporting Bureau's. What a sham those organizations are.

The main purpose of writing this OH, SO VERY LONG entry is to say that I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It frightens me, as the "borderline" part refers to the border between neurosis and psychosis, but it also explains why I feel like I do, and why I will sometimes act as I do:

• marked mood swings with periods of intense depression, irritability, and/or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days;
• inappropriate, intense, or uncontrolled anger;
• impulsiveness in spending, sex, substance use, shoplifting, reckless driving, or binge eating;
• recurring suicidal threats or self-injurious behavior;
• unstable, intense personal relationships with extreme, black and white views of people and experiences, sometimes alternating between "all good" idealization and "all bad" devaluation;
• marked, persistent uncertainty about self-image, long term goals, friendships, and values;
• chronic boredom or feelings of emptiness; and
• frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, either real or imagined.

BPD's can flip between these in hours. And I have done this. I have felt, and I have done, all of these. My rages are horrid. But now that I know what these feelings are, I am beginning to learn to let them go by until they are burned out. I know they are linked to a disease that I can control. And my docs and therapist are helping me with med changes and coping skills.

I'm feeling much better.

So many of my friends have gotten in touch with me lately to ask how I was. I love you for that. I love you for not giving up on me. As far as continued support, the National Alliance on Mental Illness says it best:

The support of family and friends is of critical importance in the treatment of BPD as many people with this illness may isolate themselves from these relationships in times of greatest need. Family and friends can be most helpful in encouraging their loved one to engage in proper treatment for this complicated illness. With the support of family and friends, involvement in ongoing treatment, and efforts to live a healthy lifestyle—regular exercise, a balanced diet and good sleeping habits--most people with borderline personality disorder can expect to experience significant relief from their symptoms.

And that you all give me.........see you down the road this summer! Or next summer! Or one of these summers!