What's New With Yew?

 Well, here we are after another year.

I am now ready to re-join the human (glamping) race, but first wanted to explain my absence. My blog (didn't know I had one, did you?) seems to be the best place to do so, instead of taking up space on the pages. Once my fingers hit keys, I begin to get lengthy. Those who love me will slog through, and those who don't care won't bother.

So here we go. Most of my buddies know that I battle depression, among a host of other psychiatric doo-dads. With the help of a great psychiatrist, the best therapist in the world, George's help and my sun lamp, I usually make it through winter and start perking up around February. I used to travel to my mom's condo in Florida in February, but that's a whole 'nother story.

I also take a bundle of meds. I know there are a lot of people who think that mental problems can be taken care of in other ways. I take advantage of those other ways, and still need the medications to even me out. For years, I fought taking them.  I have been through every single therapeutic intervention there is. I am the most insightful depressive you have ever seen. And to boot, I majored in Psychology, so can use the proper terms to describe what is happening. And STILL, inside, felt like poo.

One of my sisters had been on the early medications, and they scared me. But finally, the pain of living became too great and I had to try them. I didn't know what it felt like to not have a knot of pain in your stomach all the time. To really laugh. To thoroughly enjoy life. It was a revelation. Living wasn't a chore. It was a gift! But I didn't find that out until I was 35 years old.

The years before were tough. I always felt like I was battling. Fighting my weight. Trying to ignore the feeling that I was an "outsider".  Looking for love in all the wrong places. Working so hard for the approval of others.

But now I was a human. A very happy human. Probably happier than most, because I knew what it was like not to have that. And so very grateful that peace had come to me at last. I had every expectation that life would be just like that until I finally went on to The Next Chapter.

God likes to ruffle things up in the life of some of us. My mom used to say that He only gives challenges to those He loves much. Well, He must love me a whole bunch. My husband of 20 years decided that he hadn't dated enough before we got married, and wanted a divorce. I loved that man with all my soul. He could (and, the last time we talked, years ago, still could) make me laugh harder than anyone I know. The wonderfully happy life that I had finally achieved was gone *poof* in an instant.

That's how I started the New Century. And it slid downhill from there.

I won't go into particulars. It would take far too long. But anything that could happen to a person happened to me during that time. Except losing my son. Thankfully, during that time he grew into a man any parent would be proud of. And I love him immensely.

Met George, (whom I also love immensely) got married, and watched my problems double. There were some things going on in his life that he had sort of forgotten to tell me about before we got hitched.

Both my grandma and mom passed to the next world. Mom's was particularly dear. She and I had a turbulent relationship. Starting when I was quite young (15), if Dad wasn't around (drinking, or after they divorced), I was the one who had to do the dirty work for her. Tell people she wouldn't be doing something she had committed to do, find out where Dad was, etc. I felt like the family Bad Man - I got to do all the Shit Work. Before she died, I told her I never felt like she loved me, and all she said was, "Oh, Babe," and held out her arms. I got all the love I had never gotten before, and cried like an infant. It was all cleansed before she went.

This summer I was cleaning out our garage, and found that she had saved every single one of the shower cards and baby cards people had sent her when I was born. And a totally filled out baby book. I sat out there and cried again.

Getting back to the present.......I didn't come out of my funk last winter. Tried and tried, and nothing helped. Held my breath until camping season, and found out that Lady Rose, who I had spent so much money on, was riddled with problems that I was going to have to pay more money to fix. Then I held my breath until camping trips with my peeps started, and it felt like every trip had problems of their own.....switched to a different campsite, felt like there were cliques that had formed and I wasn't in, didn't feel wanted, problems with Rose. The list goes on and on.

So she went into storage early, and I decided to take a break from Facebook. It did me good.
Gave me time to think.

I like to drive around to think, and found a lot of really neat houses near me. I fell madly in love with this one: https://www.redfin.com/MN/Saint-Paul/452-Thomas-Ave-55103/home/50152238

It was already sold, but the Realtor was nice enough to give me a tour through it, and it got me thinking. We are stuck in our lease until the end of July, but I knew my Credit Report needed cleaning up. OH BOY did it need cleaning. They still had student loans ($16,000 worth, that I paid off five years ago) sitting on the Report. Since October, I've been working to get the Reports cleaned up. And they still aren't. But the good news is that I'm considered a first-time home buyer, and can qualify for additional funds as the sections I'm looking in are considered "depressed". 

Some day I am going to write an article about the Credit Reporting Bureau's. What a sham those organizations are.

The main purpose of writing this OH, SO VERY LONG entry is to say that I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It frightens me, as the "borderline" part refers to the border between neurosis and psychosis, but it also explains why I feel like I do, and why I will sometimes act as I do:

• marked mood swings with periods of intense depression, irritability, and/or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days;
• inappropriate, intense, or uncontrolled anger;
• impulsiveness in spending, sex, substance use, shoplifting, reckless driving, or binge eating;
• recurring suicidal threats or self-injurious behavior;
• unstable, intense personal relationships with extreme, black and white views of people and experiences, sometimes alternating between "all good" idealization and "all bad" devaluation;
• marked, persistent uncertainty about self-image, long term goals, friendships, and values;
• chronic boredom or feelings of emptiness; and
• frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, either real or imagined.

BPD's can flip between these in hours. And I have done this. I have felt, and I have done, all of these. My rages are horrid. But now that I know what these feelings are, I am beginning to learn to let them go by until they are burned out. I know they are linked to a disease that I can control. And my docs and therapist are helping me with med changes and coping skills.

I'm feeling much better.

So many of my friends have gotten in touch with me lately to ask how I was. I love you for that. I love you for not giving up on me. As far as continued support, the National Alliance on Mental Illness says it best:

The support of family and friends is of critical importance in the treatment of BPD as many people with this illness may isolate themselves from these relationships in times of greatest need. Family and friends can be most helpful in encouraging their loved one to engage in proper treatment for this complicated illness. With the support of family and friends, involvement in ongoing treatment, and efforts to live a healthy lifestyle—regular exercise, a balanced diet and good sleeping habits--most people with borderline personality disorder can expect to experience significant relief from their symptoms.

And that you all give me.........see you down the road this summer! Or next summer! Or one of these summers!

Gone for Good, or Temporarily Missing?

So much for keeping up with the blogging.

It has been quite the summer, starting with the beginning of the trip to pick up Lady Rose.

Gorgeous George does not like to camp. He does not like to fish. He does not like to leave home and his normal routine. The Duchess and he have been together ten years now. When the Duchess was younger, she shared the interests of Gorgeous. But when Matt, Of Whom She Is So Proud (her only child), became involved in Cub Scouts, she saw things in a different light. And came to the realization that she has a need to sit in the middle of a forest, smelling the pine and listening to the animals call to each other. And her Soul has missed this and needs this to stay healthy.

Gorgeous George finds this stupid. And Duchess Lynnabelle has come to the sad realization that she has managed to marry the only two men in the state of Minnesota (her first companion felt exactly the same way) who are not outdoorsmen.

It is true. Opposites DO attract.

Back to the trip to pick up the Lady. Instead of using the appendage that God gave him to communicate with (which appears to work perfectly well at most other times), Mr. George decided he did not want to go on the trip. But instead of saying anything, he went into a two-year old Poopy Posture. Refused to help pack and sat at his drawing board with his bottom lip poking out. The Duchess responded with a Poopy Posture of her own (although done in the most mannerly of ways) and said he may as well stay home with the animals, as there wasn't any room for them, anyhow.

Totally forgetting that Gorgeous had the money to pay for the trip in his pocket.

It was not a good start, and things just went from bad to worse.

Lady Rose looks absolutely stunning, both inside and out. Pictures will follow in the next post. But, it became clear over the next few weeks that her mechanicals left much to be desired. What also became clear is that a large, heavy camper pulls differently than a small, light camper. The Duchess had never experienced trailer sway. And it is frightening. To see Rose bouncing, literally bouncing, from side to side, is enough to make anybody's heart rate rise to dangerous levels.

Luckily, one of the friends of the Duchess had a weight distribution hitch for sale. Whew. Between that and a sway bar purchased on the way home, all managed to arrive home safely.

On fumes, and with absolutely NO money, but all were safe. And mainly sound.

Fur Kids Are Just Like Human Kids

Piffle.

We were supposed to have left this morning on our way to pick up Lady Rose tomorrow. All the preparations were made. Since we won't have a camper to put anything in for the first leg of the trip (the leg to pick up Rose), we had to come up with some sort of idea for extra space for our Horse Team (Jeep Liberty). A visit to the store that used to be known as Northern Hydraulics, and POOF! We are the owners of a cargo carrier that fits into the hitch receiver. And will carry 500 pounds.

I pruned and repacked and pruned some more.....until I'm fairly confident we have the essentials we will need for a few days of camping. They are in four, sort of equal size, plastic containers. The additional accessories (chairs, Instant Set-up screen enclosure, etc) will fit on top of the containers and be held on with a spider bungee. Car is oiled, lubed, checked out and gassed up. Food ready to be packed. Clothes selected and in luggage. All set.

 But guess what? We are still at home.

Woke up this morning to the sound of Georgous telling me that he thought our Princess was sick. She had stopped halfway down the steps and relieved herself right there and then without making it outside. Not normal for her at all. So to the vet she must go.

Just like a human kid, it always happens at the least convenient time. But there's nothing can be done, except let Rose's foster parents know we are going to be a day late, and use today to rest up a little.

Trying to be philosophical, there are a bundle of medications this Duchess has to take on a daily basis. I haven't been sleeping well AT ALL, and figured it was due to excitement about actually getting Lady Rose, and getting to camp again with my buddies. Nope. Going through my meds, one at a time, I noticed I was missing one. That, as one of its effects, helps me sleep. When we tried to get it filled on Monday, first they said they could get me enough to get me through the week, then said they couldn't get me any until at least 10:00 this morning.

Between Roxie getting sick, and me not being able to get my meds, I figure there is a reason the Great Camper In The Sky doesn't want us leaving today. So I am going to try and take a nap to catch up on some of the lost sleep.

And look forward to leaving early in the morning!

Oh, Dell, Wherefore Art Thou?

Our yearly Mother's Day campout is coming up shortly. Like this week. Whee! With almost thirty folks this year! Since I'll be short on cooking utensils and food (having just picked up Lady Rose on our way TO the campout), I asked if it were o.k. to bring the music. And perhaps make a few mix tapes (or more properly, mix CD's) for my dear friends.

I know I shouldn't copy music, but the vast majority of the songs on the CD would be considered in the public domain. I assume music works the same way as literature, that after a certain amount of time, it belongs to the public. Can't think of maybe one or two songs that are newer than fifty years. It's part of the Victorian deal.

Anyway, I found out that even though I have spent much, much money at iTunes over the years, I can only make seven copies of songs on CD. No good. Naturally, the CD burning software we owned I just threw out during one of my rare fits of cleaning. Which is why I try to avoid picking up the house whenever possible. (This is a lie. My home looks like a "before" episode of  "Hoarders" right now, and it is driving even ME up a wall. I cannot wait until I get all the camping stuff into the appropriate travel trailers, and can sell the rest so I can do a thorough cleaning of my home.)

Research, research, research. Finally found an old piece of software on the Dell site that looks like it will fit the bill. Cheap and without frills. And can be downloaded, so I'll have time to take care of things before the trip. Paid for it, and waited the thirty minutes it was supposed to take to process.

Mr. George and I drove out to get some final needed items for the trip, so when we got back I checked again to see if the software link had arrived. Nope. Checked the Dell site. I don't have any open orders. As a matter of fact, I don't have any orders at all. Uh Oh. This is starting to not sound good.

But "Chat" is open 24/7! So I'll just access it, and get all this foolishness taken care of! Except when I did get to Chat, it told me that Chat was closed, and the hours were Monday - Friday, 8:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. CST.

Listen, folks. Either you're open 24/7, or you aren't. You can't have it both ways.

Unless, evidently, you work in India..........

Lady Rose Will Finally Be Coming Home!

 

This is the best picture I have right now of the Lady. I'll replace it with a better one in a few days!

 

After many weeks of trying, even after my Gracious Glamper Pals told me how very easy it was, I have finally figured out this blogging deal, just in time to document the first days of Lady Rose and her journey.

It has not been pretty for Your Humble Correspondent. Word Press seemed to be the way to go. A truly wonderful YouTube video was recommended to me, and I got stuck on the third instruction. This should have served as a clue. Just as a nod to Corporate America, HostGator continues to bill your account (but they don't send you any bill) until you follow the exact steps to cancel outlined in their Terms and Conditions. I know, I know, it is horrifying, but I rarely read T&C's. So I had racked up quite a bill with them from the last time I had tried the blogging deal. Like $300.00. That I had to pay off before continuing on my way.

Things just continued to get worse from there. Finally, I had a blog online and was actually putting words into it. But, ever The Perfectionist I am, they were too small to read and the lines were too close together (once a Graphic Designer, always a Graphic Designer). After several evenings of research, I finally discovered that the only way to change font size with Word Press is to start messing around with code. And from there on, any instructions given may as well have been written in Ancient Peruvian Sanskrit. Didn't understand a word.

I have become what I once despised - a clueless Elder.

But here I am now, online and blogging just like the rest of the Proper Ladies. My Lady Rose has been away for almost a year, being worked on according to my instructions. I was supposed to have her with me LONG before now, but the Winter of 2012-2013 (or, as we are calling it in the Upper Midwest, "The Winter That Will Not Die") has interfered with a major snowstorm every time a pickup was scheduled. My health can take no more cancellations - this Wednesday we are picking her up FOR SURE!

The trip alone is sure to be equal to the Titanic's for sheer drama. Although I do hope we do not capsize in Lake Michigan. Our Family Chauffer, Mr. Gorgeous George (of the Not So Famous Lord Lawrence of Leadfoot clan) has stated repeatedly his objection to camping and nature. And after collecting Lady Rose, we are immediately heading to a camping trip with many friends. Neither of our fur children, Princess Roxanne or Sir Winston of the Bookcase, has ever been camping. Or on a long car trip, as far as we know.

So I may end up with much to blog about.

The Duchess Lynnabelle